Saturday, 7 July 2007

Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright

Some wonderful bits in this week's Now Show on Radio 4 regarding the attempted terrorists attacks:

SP: Well, we all had a lucky escape this week as Britain was saved from two terrorist attacks by the fact... that it's Britain. First, two would-be bombers failed to remember when attacking Glasgow Airport that it would be full of Glaswegians. People who would have no problem repeated punching a man in the face even while he was on fire.

'Glaswegian': Smoking in a public place, eh? Take that, pal.

SP: And in London, one car bomb was only discovered because a drunk clubber fell down some stairs, while a second car bomb was towed away by traffic wardens for being illegally parked. The situation couldn't be more British if Michael Caine was standing outside Glasgow Airport, shouting: 'You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!'


SP: Amidst all the fear and panic, what these events showed, I think, is the advantages of taking global warming a bit more seriously. If we switch to a low carbon economy it would greatly help the fight against terror.

'Journalist': I'm here outside Glasgow Airport where, at 3.13, two terrorists attempted to ram the terminal entrance in an electric G-Wizz town car. Witnesses say the two-seater approached the terminal at speeds of up to 28 miles per hour, and smashed up against the revolving doors to the building, only to find that the door had a more powerful motor than the G-Wizz, and the car was soon trapped. One of the men then strapped several solar panels to himself and waited to catch fire...


JH: There was a lot of speculation, of course, as to whether the recent wave of failed car bomb attacks were the work of Al-Qaeda. The general consensus is that it was, but to be honest I'm not so sure. Think about the location of the first one: a nightclub called Tiger Tiger. I don't think it was Al-Qaeda. I'm pretty sure it was the work of William Blake fanatics. "Tiger, Tiger, burning bright"? We are dealing with fundamentalist poets.

It is our goal to bring down a reign of iambic pentameter on anyone who does not appreciate the work of the romantics or the poets of the Renaissance. It is time to get metaphysical. We are the poetry terrorists. Who do you think has been planting those 'Poems on the Underground'? That's right - those nice posters are ours. Death to the limerick! Wordsworth be praised!

JH: They're dangerous, of course, but they're not as bad as the 'suicide poets'. They go to training camps in Japan to learn how to commit haiku.

Well, you've got to see the funny side, haven't you?

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